As a couples, individual, and sex therapist, I often meet men who carry deep pain from being circumcised as infants. In my work with individuals and couples, I witness the many layers of helplessness and grief that can emerge around this, including denial, sadness and depression, anger, betrayal, and eventually acceptance.
It always comes back to bodily autonomy, the simple truth of not having a say over one’s own body.
These men did not consent to having a part of themselves taken. Again and again, I hear the same aching questions: Why did this happen to me? Why did my parents allow it? Why didn’t I have a say? And beneath those questions, the quieter one: Why am I still hurting from something that happened so long ago? The reality is that in removing the foreskin, 10,000 to 20,000 nerve fibers are lost, leaving many with the sense that their natural right to pleasure has been taken from them. There is grief in that loss, and it deserves to be witnessed.
Through Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, we begin to unpack what was never theirs to carry.
I tell them that realizing you’ve been carrying a backpack that you never packed yourself can feel deeply unsettling, even out of control. It’s a moment when the weight you’ve been shouldering suddenly becomes visible, and with that awareness comes both grief and the possibility of choice, of deciding what still belongs to you and what you are ready to set down. Together, we learn how to keep walking, how to live a meaningful life even as we feel the heaviness of it all. I call this process grieving into acceptance, a way of honoring what was taken while reclaiming what still belongs to them.
As a sex therapist, I advocate for everyone’s pleasure because pleasure is our birthright. I often remind men not to get stuck in the pain that can harden into anger. Part of empowerment is learning to reconnect with pleasure in new ways, to experience it as something expansive and healing rather than performative or pressured.
I help clients understand that sexuality is multidimensional, shaped by biological, psychological, relational, and cultural forces. There is growing evidence that men’s sexuality is deeply relational. Emotional connection, trust, and intimacy play a vital role in arousal and satisfaction. For many, trauma has disrupted that connection, affecting not only how they see themselves but also how fully they can experience pleasure and closeness with their partners.
These feelings can be especially confusing in U.S. popular culture. A growing number of men I see in my practice struggle with body image, particularly younger men. For many, mainstream porn has been their primary sex education, and it almost always features a circumcised penis. Here in Miami, where we have a large Latino population and circumcision has traditionally been less common, some men have had painful experiences with partners who are unfamiliar with the uncircumcised body. We can never underestimate the human need for validation and belonging. Men want to fit in, to look a certain way they believe is acceptable. It’s heartbreaking to see advertisements for adult circumcision feeding into those insecurities.
In addition to helping circumcised clients walk through their grief, I also work with men who struggle with self-judgment or who are considering circumcision as adults. Many are unaware of the pleasure and intimacy benefits that come with being intact. Together, we explore what self-acceptance and body trust might look like for them.
Society places immense pressure on men to perform and to equate worth with control and success. They are taught that vulnerability is weakness, and that conditioning can be deeply isolating. Many have also been trained to view sexuality as purely outcome driven, disconnected from emotion or meaning. There is much for men to unpack and heal. In the Intact America group therapy program, they are finding something many have never had before: a safe, supportive space to speak openly, to be met with understanding rather than judgment, and to begin redefining what it means to live and love in their bodies.
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